Posts Tagged ‘ Confusion ’

An Eventful Year

tumblr_nn0tkp9A9a1tcafqqo1_1280Of all my dating years, last year was the most … up and down. Plenty of dates, lots of boys, and even some men, but not one of them stuck. It was a year of flings, where at the end, it was me that felt flung.

Unfortunately, of all the dates I went on, several ended up being married. Don’t worry, the date ended the minute I was told about their relationship status(es) but it gave me little hope of finding something real in my desert home.

You see, my new home is very transient. People come and go and very few people consider this a permanent place to lay their head. Not saying that I do, but it’s hard to bank on someone or something that is likely fleeting.

2014 though brought me some great stories. My guy average went from the usual 4.5 to upwards of 8’s and 9’s. Apparently that haircut I got mid-year did something to my mojo, because it was working last year!

The really sad part about all these temporary situations is that even when you think that a guy might be worthy of more than a third date, the fling fizzles and poof, they’re gone, or you’re gone, regardless, it is gone.

Last year I experienced (for the second time) the dicey game of having two dates in one evening, followed by a short-lived romance with a beautiful Parisian gentleman who worked for Chanel – this is my second run-in with a Chanel employee, suggesting that I might get that bag yet! Then there was the American gentleman who actually stood me up for date number 2. For the first time in my dating life, I was blatantly stood up! I honestly thought that shit only happened in movies, but I shook it off like a champ.

Next came possibly the two best looking men I’ve ever been with. The first a high ranking executive at a fairly prominent company, the second an American diplomat. While neither was/is serious (the executive and I still spend time together), they are the only ones worth even mentioning, though the details seem so insignificant at this point, I won’t bother.

Abrupt Ending

The EndCWC had been spending a ton of time together. Though we were not officially dating, we were more than just FWB or fuck buddies. Towards the end of the year, we had both independently planned trips to London. When he learned about this, he promptly invited me to spend our last night in London with him.

I agreed, of course. Not only would it mean great sex, but I’d get to spend a night in a five-star hotel. Yes please!

We met on December 30th, and didn’t leave the hotel. In bed, we drank wine, ordered room service and watched TV.

The next day, we explored the city, going to museums, shopping, visiting pubs – it was lovely. We got ready for the flight home, and headed to the airport, where we proceeded to drink much more than we should have. Well, at least much more than I should have.

On board, he stopped by my seat to go to the onboard bar (I know, WTF), where he was openly flirting with the flight attendants. I didn’t like it, and returned to my seat. I woke up five hours later, hungover and certain of one thing: I was over this.

So I told him. At the ATM, as we were leaving the terminal. “Whatever this is, it’s done.” “Ok,” he replied.

And with that, I stopped the best sex I’ve ever had.

Fuzzy

head v heartThings have been going smoothly with CWC. Our working relationship hasn’t been impacted by what’s been happening behind closed doors, and what’s been happening behind closed doors has been great fun.

Drinks, pizza, movie, sex, and home first thing in the morning. The lines were clear – this wasn’t a relationship, this was sex.

Until last weekend. Last weekend, things got fuzzy.

We went on a proper date – dinner at a restaurant, drinks after, back to his place, then we spent the entire day together, watching hockey, movies, talk shows, the things you do with your significant other on a lazy Saturday.

We didn’t leave the couch. Our bodies remained connected all day.

It was the best and the worst, all wrapped into one.

Until last weekend, I had done an admirable job of keeping my heart and my vagina apart – this was simply really great sex (really great sex) with a really fun man.

Last weekend messed all of that up.

Everything was too easy. It all felt too comfortable. It all felt like a relationship.

I left his apartment feeling great, but extremely confused. And ultimately a little annoyed that this fun situation was quickly going down a path I hadn’t intended.

I’ve been in this storyline before, and it never ends well for me. Never.

So the dilemma I’m in: do I end it before I get hurt or do I let this ride out to it’s inevitable end?

Any suggestions?

No words

It’s been nine months since I met, and subsequently fell in love with, Good Will.

Let’s get a few things straight: he’s fantastic. A person couldn’t ask for a better mate. He’s funny, kind, thoughtful, sincere and just plain silly. (Which I love)

In the past nine months, I’ve felt loved and appreciated 99% of the time. The other 1% though, it feels as though I’m an after-thought. (And it’s brutal)

He’s only paid me two compliments over the span of our relationship. He doesn’t offer traditional words of support or affection. He just isn’t verbal.

I’ve talked to him about my concerns. I’ve told him how I would like to hear certain things more often. I’ve tried to tell him what I need. But he’s been unable to offer those things.

Today I told him flat out – this may be my deal breaker.

It’s not what I was expecting to talk to him about this afternoon – I was just hoping to fetch my clothes for tomorrow. But instead I ended up in this conversation that put my relationship, with this wonderful man, in jeopardy.

I tried my best to express to him my willingness to compromise – that verbal isn’t his only option, I just need him to communicate with me somehow. And I realized today, with how emotional I got, that this is a need. I also worked really hard to tell him that there is no pressure, if this is not something he can offer, it’s ok, we just weren’t meant to be.

The last things he said to me were: I wasn’t like anyone he’d ever met before, and that he’d figure out something for us to work this out, and holy fuck do I hope he does. I’ve tried to be accommodating, I’ve tried to push aside my feelings, but I’ve realized it’s only so long that I can go on like this. I need more from my partner then small physical cues.

But I’m scared to hell that he won’t be able to, and that ultimately, I may have just ruined the best relationship I’ve ever had.

GUEST POST: Rebound or Real Thing?

It’s been almost a month since I ended things with Val. That first week, I was a mess. Sally, among other female friends, were at the receiving end of text messages that, reading back now, are painful, “Who breaks their own heart? Me.”

Week two was considerably better – no random outbursts of tears and the “woe is me” texts had dried up as well.

By week three, I started feeling bad that I didn’t feel bad about the sudden end of a two year relationship. I also found myself embarking on something new. Continue reading